How am I not going to panic?

Well that was different . . . . . in the middle of a silly phone call with Timbo, talking about how we used to stay awake all night talking (yes, talking. . . . . . ) when we first got together. . . .and how we were going to do the same thing when we're in Europe. . . . . and I hear a noise in the background, fire alarm sounding, and he says 'I have to go baby', I say 'what's that noise', he says 'something bad. . . . . . . ' and then he's gone. . . . . . .

And so begins the sit by the phone waiting for him to call back . . . . . . .

And then it all becomes very, very real. . . . .

I had just spent a fantastic weekend in my second home, New Zealand, and was getting off the plane - tired, but very very glad to be home. For some reason, being away from our home and our bed, made me miss Tim even more than usual.

And then the phone rings and I hear the voice of my gorgeous fiance telling me that the base has been attacked and it might make the news so he just wanted to let me know he was ok before I saw anything on the news and got scared for his welfare. . .

Coming home and getting onto Sky News and CNN - the first thing I see is a picture of a blood stain on a pavement outside a restaurant on the base. A restaurant Tim has spoken about going to, and somewhere he has stood and taken a photo to send to me.

And thats when I realise - beyond any shadow of a doubt - not only is the love of my life on the other side of the world, he is in a warzone. And his life, and the life we have planned together, is in danger.

Emotional Passage through Deployments according to the ADF

While Away

Emotional Confusion (1-6 weeks after departure).

• Possible Feelings: sense of abandonment, loss, emptiness, pain, disorganisation, intense business.
• Activities: being more busy than usual.
• Reactions: crying, loss of sleep, loss of appetite.

Adjustment (for most of the time away ).

• Possible Feelings: hope, confidence, calm, less anger, loneliness.
• Activities: establishing routine, establishing communications, self growth, and independence.

Expectation of Reunion (6-8 weeks prior to homecoming).

• Possible Feelings: apprehension, excitement, high expectations, worry.
• Activities: planning homecoming, cleaning, dieting.

On the day of departure, whatever you say to each other may seem awkward and not quite right. Afterwards, when you reflect on not seeing each other for a substantial period of time, you may wonder why you couldn't have had a more romantic, more 'right' goodbye. This is completely normal.

For the first day or so after the member leaves, you may feel robotic, just going through the moves, almost as if in shock. Some people want to stay home with no one around. It is common to feel depressed and have no energy. You may wonder if it was easy for the member to leave, especially if they seemed excited about going away.

It is common to feel overwhelmed by all the responsibilities you are facing. There may be a sense of abandonment. As a result, you may feel anger towards your partner, the unit, the Commanding Officer, the military - the whole world. This stage does pass as you find that you can handle the separation, and within a few days or weeks, are beginning to settle into a pattern.

Some tips to help partners cope while Defence members areaway from home:
Be good to yourself - Take time out now and then to do something a little bit selfish - take a long bath, cook a special dish, or hire a babysitter and go out for a night with friends. Don't forget to give yourself credit for dealing with things as well as you have.

Stay healthy and happy - Try to take good care of yourself. Exercise regularly (remember to talk to your doctor before beginning an exercise program), eat right and get enough sleep. Learn how to relax and manage stress. Don't turn to alcohol and other drugs for stress reduction. Remember there is always someone on call at the National Welfare Coordination Centre and the Defence Community Organisation if you want to talk.

Stay positive - It's easy to see the negative side of a family member being away, but seeing the positive side has many more rewards. Find another military spouse who is alone to share activities, thoughts and frustrations with. Spend time with upbeat friends - and try to be positive. Think of separation as a chance to grow.

Stay busy - Time passes much more quickly when you're busy. Try to see separation as a time to learn something new. Maybe you could take those TAFE courses you've always promised yourself. You could learn new job skills or volunteer for a support organisation.

Do something fun and exciting - Spend time each week doing something out of the routine. Go to the movies, the library or to the beach. Try to avoid sitting home feeling sorry for yourself.

S.T.R.U.G.G.L.I.N.G.

So, we are one week and one day into this deployment - and I can't think of any word to describe how I am coping, other than to say by definition, I am not (coping that is). . . .. . .

I am trying to put on a really strong front for Tim and for everyone else around me because I don't want people worrying about me, and I don't want the looks of pity from people - but inside I am absolutely heartbroken. It has to get better though I assume. . . . it can't possibly get any worse.

Happy Good Friday!

So today is one year to the day since Tim and I spent our first real time together. . . it was a couple of weeks after we had met one another, and I invited him around to watch a game of football and hang out. And he pretty much hasn't left since! Until he got on the plane on Tuesday of course.

I know it sounds so cliche - but I cannot believe how much my life has changed in the space of 12 months, and I know it is 100% all down to this one man and the love and joy he has brought to my life. And at the moment, with him having just left. . . . . . the excitement that I am feeling knowing that I have a lifetime with the man of my dreams in front of me is slightly soured by the fact that I have to be apart from him for 245 days.

At the moment I am a bit of a wreck to be honest. . . . .I find myself bursting into tears for no apparent reason through the day, and I havent been able to sleep at all really. I am trying really hard to be strong for Tim - because I know this is just as hard on him as it is on me, harder even. I know once I have adjusted to him being gone I will be fine, will get myself into a routine and just get on with it - I think the issue at the moment is that I dont want to adjust.

When one countdown ends, another begins. . . . . .

So today was the day that we finally had to say goodbye. . . . . .6 months since Tim was told, and told me, that he was going back to Afghanistan. . . . . . . . 6 months of dreading this day. And it was every bit as awful as I had imagined it was going to be!!

To be fair - since he got back from his "training", we have had 3 amazing weeks together - and I think we were both pretty satisfied that we had absolutely made the most of every second we had together before he had to leave. . . . . . . he managed to sneak home most weekends during training, which was a pretty expensive exercise - but 100% worth it. And then we had a beautiful week in far North Queensland - WHERE TIM ASKED ME TO MARRY HIM!! It came as a pretty big surprise - we had talked about getting married a lot, but I didnt expect it to all be set into motion until he was back from this tour - but nonetheless - obviously, I was ecstatic. And I am still spending a LOT of time staring at the gorgeous ring on my finger :)

So after putting my fiance (hehehe) on the plane today - I am actually doing ok. Of course there were tears at the airport - but I have come back home, to our house, and I feel ok. I still wish he wasnt gone, and I wish I was going to see him sooner than August (about 135 days just in case anyone is wondering) - but I know once this trip is over, we have a wedding to plan, a house to buy and the rest of our lives to look forward to. I have enough dreams of our future to get me through the next 8.5 months . . . . . . .

3 Words. . . . . .

I am trying to think of ways to keep Tim in touch with everything that is going on back at home while he is away, and trying to make him feel like he isn't missing out on anything much. So I have decided I am going to make him a CD each week with whatever songs I have been listening to for that week on it. I am by no means a musician - but music does play a big part in my life and I think I express what I am feeling a lot through the music I am listening to. I am one of those people who actually listens to the words of songs and a lot of the songs I love, I love for the words or the story behind them as much as I love them for their melody or their rhythm or whatever.

The music I listen to is always a mix of new and old. From every genre - nix maybe country, but it is (slowly) growing on me. . . . . The CD I have made for Tim for this week is a mix of old and new. My absolute favourites at the moment are Kate Miller Heidtke - a song called Caught in the Crowd, You've got the Love by Florence and the Machine and 3 Words by Cheryl Cole.

I met a guy at the club
I let him know I'm in love

I met a girl at the bar
I let her know who you are

I told her you are a love of my life and
One day you gonna be my wife and
We are gonna have some babie together

I told him you are a man of my dreams
You saved me from drowning in the streams
I know we're really gonna last forever and ever

It was those, 3 words that saved my life
It wasn't complicated
Wasn't pre-meditated
It wasn't under-rated
Boy I'm so glad you stayed and
It was those 3 words saved my life
It wasn't complicated
Wasn't pre-meditated
To you I'm dedicated
Let's go ahead and say it

I love you I love you
You are the love of my life my life
I love you I love you
You are the love of my life my life

You know you're holdin my heart
Can't nothin' tear us apart

You know I'm so in love with you
Can't nothin tear us apart no

I said I L-O-V-E Y-O-U
I'm so into you girl
She said M-E T-O-O
It's obvious I'm so into you boy
So why don't we ( we ) hold ( hold ) on ( on ) for ( to ) love
Through the ups and downs never let go
Holdin' on forever never let go
It all started with 3 words, saved my life
It wasn't complicated
It wasn't complicated
It wasn't complicated
It wasn't complicated
Baby those 3 words saved my life

I love you I love you
You are the love of my life my life
I love you I love you
You are the love of my life my life

Spunky Monkey

The soul purpose of this post is to brag. . . . . . . . My boy is away at the moment and my bestie was in the same state conincidentally and she had a function for work, so Timbo went as her +1. She sent me this pic of him all handsomed up in his suit and it made me miss him a million times more than I already was, but it also made me really look forward to the next time I get him in a suit. . . . . . whenever that might be!

The sun is creeping out through the clouds again. . . .

Ok so today is a better day than yesterday :) I am still a long long way from completely happy - but I have moved on from the bitter and twisted mood I was in yesterday!!

Slightly softening the blow is the fact that I am going up to see Tim next weekend - 9 sleeps!! He has to work on the Saturday, but has Sunday off so I will amuse myself for the day on Saturday and then pick him up from work and we will be able to have two whole dinners together - and one of them will even be on Valentines Day :) Romantic Bris-vegas. . . . . .look out!

Am also busying myself planning a little 5 days away when he is back from this exercise and before they deploy o/s. We had lots of options given that Australia is such a magic country - but I think we've decided on Palm Cove, up in between Cairns and Port Douglas. That picture at the top of this post is Cairns - so it will be awesome to have a few days to ourselves where we can do as much or as little as we like! The Great Barrier Reef, Daintree, Cape Tribulation - I cant wait!!!

Sometimes enough is just enough. . . . . .

I dont understand a lot of things. . . . . I dont understand the choices some people make, and I dont understand sometimes why things have to be so hard.

I am new to this, and I am new to having calls made about the direction my life is going to take by some external third party whom I have no affiliation to, no affection for and no commitment to. And I have never been an angry person - but the situation I find myself in at the moment makes my blood boil. It makes me feel almost a hatred unlike anything I have ever felt before.

I fell in love - and I fell in love with no guarantee that the man I had fallen in love with was ever going to love me back. But then he did. . . . . and although it's been difficult, and we've been through quite a lot in the relatively short time we have known each other - it has reached a point where I was pretty confident that this was the man I wanted to be with for the rest of my life.

And I knew - from the outset, what he did for a job, and what that might mean for me and him and us. But there was still nothing that could have prepared me for the feeling in the pit of my stomach when he came home and told me he had been asked to go overseas again. Probably similar to the feeling of my heart physically breaking when he let slip that one of the other guys had been offered the trip and had turned it down. . . . . .I had no idea this was an option. And for the life of me, I cant figure out why - if given the option, why on earth would you choose to be away from the person you're supposed to be "in love" with for pretty much 10 months of the year?! I just don't get that.

He is 3 days into a 6 week training program, 1000km away from me - and even though still in the same country and almost the same time zone, he has to work pretty much 6 days a week for the next 6 weeks so that means he can't come home at all to visit and its pointless me going up there. And all I hear from him constantly is how much time they spend on these "training exercises" sitting around staring at each other with nothing to do. . . . . . .

I guess the underlying issue with all of these gripes are that I feel like he chose this. I feel like he consciously made the decision knowing what it meant for us. I had only known him 6 months when he made that call and I dont know if I am mad that he assumed I would hang around, or that he knew what happened to his relationship last time he went away - and he's doing it again. Or maybe it's just because I know that nothing in the world would tempt me away from him for that length of time - and I feel a little miffed that he doesnt have the same level of commitment to me.

This song below has come out recently - I cant hear it without crying. . . . . . . It breaks my heart to think about not being able to see and touch Tim for months at a time - but in the same breath, I am just not sure I can do it.


Trying to beat my misery,
Don't wanna go across the sea,
And if I could take you everywhere,
There'd be no cause for my despair,

And I know we won't touch for months,
And your smell will evade me,
But our love could survive a war,
Without the slightest sore,

I know you suffer for my art,
Always pulling us apart,
Your forever in my brain,
Even when I cause you pain,

And I know I can't taste your skin,
With an ocean between us,
But our love is a dinosaur,
Hear it roar,

And I know we won't touch for months,
And your smell will evade me,
But our love could survive a war,
Without the slightest sore,

And I know I can't taste your skin,
With an ocean between us,
But our love is a dinosaur,
Hear it roar,
Hear it roar.

So we survived our first Christmas, our first New Years and we've had three whole weeks off work together - has been amazing. Now it all becomes very real all of a sudden that Tim leaves - soon, and for what feels like forever.

It now feels like it was months and months ago when Tim told me he was being deployed - so I have almost gotten to the stage where I wish he would just leave already as I figure the sooner he leaves, the sooner he will be home. I know the day he leaves all I will be wishing for is just one more hour with him - so perhaps I would be best to just enjoy each day we have now!!

One other thing that has changed since my last efforts on here is that Tim's brother Shane, who is in the Australian Navy, is also being deployed on the same trip as him. They won't be in the exact same place, but they'll both be on the other side of the world from the people that love them. Shane has a beautiful wife, Bianca - and a gorgeous little baby boy Cullen - so in the very least, we will have each other.

And now am sitting here, in our hammock out the front of our little oceanfront flat. . . . . talking to our friends and thinking how rubbish it is going to be with him gone. . . . . Boooooooo!!!!