Sometimes enough is just enough. . . . . .

I dont understand a lot of things. . . . . I dont understand the choices some people make, and I dont understand sometimes why things have to be so hard.

I am new to this, and I am new to having calls made about the direction my life is going to take by some external third party whom I have no affiliation to, no affection for and no commitment to. And I have never been an angry person - but the situation I find myself in at the moment makes my blood boil. It makes me feel almost a hatred unlike anything I have ever felt before.

I fell in love - and I fell in love with no guarantee that the man I had fallen in love with was ever going to love me back. But then he did. . . . . and although it's been difficult, and we've been through quite a lot in the relatively short time we have known each other - it has reached a point where I was pretty confident that this was the man I wanted to be with for the rest of my life.

And I knew - from the outset, what he did for a job, and what that might mean for me and him and us. But there was still nothing that could have prepared me for the feeling in the pit of my stomach when he came home and told me he had been asked to go overseas again. Probably similar to the feeling of my heart physically breaking when he let slip that one of the other guys had been offered the trip and had turned it down. . . . . .I had no idea this was an option. And for the life of me, I cant figure out why - if given the option, why on earth would you choose to be away from the person you're supposed to be "in love" with for pretty much 10 months of the year?! I just don't get that.

He is 3 days into a 6 week training program, 1000km away from me - and even though still in the same country and almost the same time zone, he has to work pretty much 6 days a week for the next 6 weeks so that means he can't come home at all to visit and its pointless me going up there. And all I hear from him constantly is how much time they spend on these "training exercises" sitting around staring at each other with nothing to do. . . . . . .

I guess the underlying issue with all of these gripes are that I feel like he chose this. I feel like he consciously made the decision knowing what it meant for us. I had only known him 6 months when he made that call and I dont know if I am mad that he assumed I would hang around, or that he knew what happened to his relationship last time he went away - and he's doing it again. Or maybe it's just because I know that nothing in the world would tempt me away from him for that length of time - and I feel a little miffed that he doesnt have the same level of commitment to me.

This song below has come out recently - I cant hear it without crying. . . . . . . It breaks my heart to think about not being able to see and touch Tim for months at a time - but in the same breath, I am just not sure I can do it.


Trying to beat my misery,
Don't wanna go across the sea,
And if I could take you everywhere,
There'd be no cause for my despair,

And I know we won't touch for months,
And your smell will evade me,
But our love could survive a war,
Without the slightest sore,

I know you suffer for my art,
Always pulling us apart,
Your forever in my brain,
Even when I cause you pain,

And I know I can't taste your skin,
With an ocean between us,
But our love is a dinosaur,
Hear it roar,

And I know we won't touch for months,
And your smell will evade me,
But our love could survive a war,
Without the slightest sore,

And I know I can't taste your skin,
With an ocean between us,
But our love is a dinosaur,
Hear it roar,
Hear it roar.