3 Words. . . . . .

I am trying to think of ways to keep Tim in touch with everything that is going on back at home while he is away, and trying to make him feel like he isn't missing out on anything much. So I have decided I am going to make him a CD each week with whatever songs I have been listening to for that week on it. I am by no means a musician - but music does play a big part in my life and I think I express what I am feeling a lot through the music I am listening to. I am one of those people who actually listens to the words of songs and a lot of the songs I love, I love for the words or the story behind them as much as I love them for their melody or their rhythm or whatever.

The music I listen to is always a mix of new and old. From every genre - nix maybe country, but it is (slowly) growing on me. . . . . The CD I have made for Tim for this week is a mix of old and new. My absolute favourites at the moment are Kate Miller Heidtke - a song called Caught in the Crowd, You've got the Love by Florence and the Machine and 3 Words by Cheryl Cole.

I met a guy at the club
I let him know I'm in love

I met a girl at the bar
I let her know who you are

I told her you are a love of my life and
One day you gonna be my wife and
We are gonna have some babie together

I told him you are a man of my dreams
You saved me from drowning in the streams
I know we're really gonna last forever and ever

It was those, 3 words that saved my life
It wasn't complicated
Wasn't pre-meditated
It wasn't under-rated
Boy I'm so glad you stayed and
It was those 3 words saved my life
It wasn't complicated
Wasn't pre-meditated
To you I'm dedicated
Let's go ahead and say it

I love you I love you
You are the love of my life my life
I love you I love you
You are the love of my life my life

You know you're holdin my heart
Can't nothin' tear us apart

You know I'm so in love with you
Can't nothin tear us apart no

I said I L-O-V-E Y-O-U
I'm so into you girl
She said M-E T-O-O
It's obvious I'm so into you boy
So why don't we ( we ) hold ( hold ) on ( on ) for ( to ) love
Through the ups and downs never let go
Holdin' on forever never let go
It all started with 3 words, saved my life
It wasn't complicated
It wasn't complicated
It wasn't complicated
It wasn't complicated
Baby those 3 words saved my life

I love you I love you
You are the love of my life my life
I love you I love you
You are the love of my life my life

Spunky Monkey

The soul purpose of this post is to brag. . . . . . . . My boy is away at the moment and my bestie was in the same state conincidentally and she had a function for work, so Timbo went as her +1. She sent me this pic of him all handsomed up in his suit and it made me miss him a million times more than I already was, but it also made me really look forward to the next time I get him in a suit. . . . . . whenever that might be!

The sun is creeping out through the clouds again. . . .

Ok so today is a better day than yesterday :) I am still a long long way from completely happy - but I have moved on from the bitter and twisted mood I was in yesterday!!

Slightly softening the blow is the fact that I am going up to see Tim next weekend - 9 sleeps!! He has to work on the Saturday, but has Sunday off so I will amuse myself for the day on Saturday and then pick him up from work and we will be able to have two whole dinners together - and one of them will even be on Valentines Day :) Romantic Bris-vegas. . . . . .look out!

Am also busying myself planning a little 5 days away when he is back from this exercise and before they deploy o/s. We had lots of options given that Australia is such a magic country - but I think we've decided on Palm Cove, up in between Cairns and Port Douglas. That picture at the top of this post is Cairns - so it will be awesome to have a few days to ourselves where we can do as much or as little as we like! The Great Barrier Reef, Daintree, Cape Tribulation - I cant wait!!!

Sometimes enough is just enough. . . . . .

I dont understand a lot of things. . . . . I dont understand the choices some people make, and I dont understand sometimes why things have to be so hard.

I am new to this, and I am new to having calls made about the direction my life is going to take by some external third party whom I have no affiliation to, no affection for and no commitment to. And I have never been an angry person - but the situation I find myself in at the moment makes my blood boil. It makes me feel almost a hatred unlike anything I have ever felt before.

I fell in love - and I fell in love with no guarantee that the man I had fallen in love with was ever going to love me back. But then he did. . . . . and although it's been difficult, and we've been through quite a lot in the relatively short time we have known each other - it has reached a point where I was pretty confident that this was the man I wanted to be with for the rest of my life.

And I knew - from the outset, what he did for a job, and what that might mean for me and him and us. But there was still nothing that could have prepared me for the feeling in the pit of my stomach when he came home and told me he had been asked to go overseas again. Probably similar to the feeling of my heart physically breaking when he let slip that one of the other guys had been offered the trip and had turned it down. . . . . .I had no idea this was an option. And for the life of me, I cant figure out why - if given the option, why on earth would you choose to be away from the person you're supposed to be "in love" with for pretty much 10 months of the year?! I just don't get that.

He is 3 days into a 6 week training program, 1000km away from me - and even though still in the same country and almost the same time zone, he has to work pretty much 6 days a week for the next 6 weeks so that means he can't come home at all to visit and its pointless me going up there. And all I hear from him constantly is how much time they spend on these "training exercises" sitting around staring at each other with nothing to do. . . . . . .

I guess the underlying issue with all of these gripes are that I feel like he chose this. I feel like he consciously made the decision knowing what it meant for us. I had only known him 6 months when he made that call and I dont know if I am mad that he assumed I would hang around, or that he knew what happened to his relationship last time he went away - and he's doing it again. Or maybe it's just because I know that nothing in the world would tempt me away from him for that length of time - and I feel a little miffed that he doesnt have the same level of commitment to me.

This song below has come out recently - I cant hear it without crying. . . . . . . It breaks my heart to think about not being able to see and touch Tim for months at a time - but in the same breath, I am just not sure I can do it.


Trying to beat my misery,
Don't wanna go across the sea,
And if I could take you everywhere,
There'd be no cause for my despair,

And I know we won't touch for months,
And your smell will evade me,
But our love could survive a war,
Without the slightest sore,

I know you suffer for my art,
Always pulling us apart,
Your forever in my brain,
Even when I cause you pain,

And I know I can't taste your skin,
With an ocean between us,
But our love is a dinosaur,
Hear it roar,

And I know we won't touch for months,
And your smell will evade me,
But our love could survive a war,
Without the slightest sore,

And I know I can't taste your skin,
With an ocean between us,
But our love is a dinosaur,
Hear it roar,
Hear it roar.

So we survived our first Christmas, our first New Years and we've had three whole weeks off work together - has been amazing. Now it all becomes very real all of a sudden that Tim leaves - soon, and for what feels like forever.

It now feels like it was months and months ago when Tim told me he was being deployed - so I have almost gotten to the stage where I wish he would just leave already as I figure the sooner he leaves, the sooner he will be home. I know the day he leaves all I will be wishing for is just one more hour with him - so perhaps I would be best to just enjoy each day we have now!!

One other thing that has changed since my last efforts on here is that Tim's brother Shane, who is in the Australian Navy, is also being deployed on the same trip as him. They won't be in the exact same place, but they'll both be on the other side of the world from the people that love them. Shane has a beautiful wife, Bianca - and a gorgeous little baby boy Cullen - so in the very least, we will have each other.

And now am sitting here, in our hammock out the front of our little oceanfront flat. . . . . talking to our friends and thinking how rubbish it is going to be with him gone. . . . . Boooooooo!!!!

Why I can't wait to go back to work tomorrow....

Just at the end of my first weekend gone by with Tim being away....... not looking forward to the 9 months of these next year when he is away! Our weekends are always spent together - pretty much from 5pm Friday afternoon until 7am Monday morning when we both have to go off to work. And again - that's just how I like it! We don't always have 101 things planned to do on weekends - but I always always climb into bed with him Sunday night and we laugh about the fun we've had doing something, or maybe just doing nothing and hanging out at home, swimming at the beach etc. It doesn't seem to matter how much or how little we do together, we always have a fantastic time.

I have been pretty good with my random bouts of crying - it's only when my Mum asked how I was doing that I had a wee little cry - just a little one!! I did call Tim's phone on Saturday afternoon though......and I know he doesnt have his phone, and I knew I wouldnt be able to speak to him - I just thought it would be nice to hear his voice (very briefly, he has the shortest answerphone message ever!) and I thought it might be nice for him to have a message from me when he does get back to civilisation! All going well - until I heard his voice, and then I lost it! My message went something like "Hi Baby (sniff sniff) I just wanted to leave you a message to say (sob) that I love you and I (sniff sniff) miss you but I dont want you to (s-s-s-s-s-s-sob sob) worry about me cos I am doing just fine (sniff sob)". Convincing right? I think not! And then I felt really horrible and wanted to go back and erase it because I know how much it will hurt him to think that I am upset and missing him like that. But unfortunately, I cant erase it - so will just hope he is able to call me before he listens to that!! All best intentions!

Just two more sleeps now until I am off to Hawaii with my girlfriends for 7 days. A very coincidentally timed trip, as we had no idea Tim would be away when we booked it so as much as it wont stop me missing him, Ala Moana might manage to distract me momentarily!!

Am hoping there is a slight chance he might be home from training early, so will be here when I get back so am going to leave him some surprises around the house just so he knows how much I was thinking of him and so he knows how much I wish I could be here with him the second he gets home.

But not counting on that too much.....21st December is worse case scenario, so we will just work towards that - anything earlier is a massive bonus. Anything later - and I will be phoning his CO myself to have words!!! Gives us 3 days to do all of our Christmas shopping and prepare for our first Christmas together.......brunch with his brother, sister-in-law, little man Cullen and Tim's parents. And then dinner with my whole family - all 40 odd of us! All of whom think Tim is just the best thing since sliced bread so I know we are going to have a fantastic day together!

I am working on his present list........ of course he told me he doesnt want anything other than to spend the day with me, but I have got a few ideas that I think he will be pretty happy with!

1. A new iPod for him to take away loaded with all his favourite songs!

2. A new digital camera

3. An external hard drive to go with his new Mac so he can take all of his favourite movies etc overseas with him

4. Some good headphones that he can use to watch movies, and most importantly, to skype me!

5. Tickets to go to Roar and Snoar at Taronga Zoo for before he deploys.......

Cool hey?! Fingers crossed he loves it all!

For now - will say Adios to Sunday......... 5 nights down, 20 to go x

My boy left today for a month of training with the unit he will deploy with next year - they're going 'bush' so that means no contact at all with him for about two weeks....... nothing. The longest Tim and I have gone not speaking since we met 8 months ago is 3 days - and he was away with his family and had no service on his phone....... The last 3 months I have seen him every day, he has either been at home when I got here - or been on his way to me. We speak on the phone probably 5 or 6 times most days, we text back and forwards all day. I fall asleep with him, and i wake up next to him. And I wouldnt have it any other way.

And now he is gone - and I am not quite sure what to do with myself.

And it leaves me thinking about all of the other men, women and families all around the world who do this all the time. Tim's dad phoned me just before to check that I was ok and he promised me that it gets a little bit easier every time he leaves.....not that I will miss him any less, just that as much as you can - you get used to him leaving. Phil (Tim's dad) told me that they have said goodbye to Tim countless times over the last 10 years he has been in the Army.......... I dont know how people do this year in and year out. Especially with families and little tiny children. It makes my heart ache for all of those families and girlfriends who have their loved ones on deployments now, and have had in the past - actually, I guess it just makes me sad for anyone who has to be away from their family and friends for any reason.

Ho Hum.................

On the 'glass half full' side, I am off to Hawaii with my wonderful girlfriends in 6 sleeps, and once back - only 11 sleeps until Tim is home for our first Christmas together! After being apart for this time, I am not going to want to leave his side! Luckily I am pretty sure he will be the same.

We went out for a beautiful meal the night before he left and he bought me a dress that I have been walking past and looking at for a month but would never have gotten for myself. He spoils me rotten and I tell him so - all I get back is assurance from him that I deserve it :)

This is a bit of a disjointed post - hahahaha - am still getting my head around this blogging thing but have been reading lots of others in bits and pieces and am really enjoying it actually! Will try to make it all make more sense next time!

What is the opposite of two? A lonely me, a lonely you. ~Richard Wilbur