How am I not going to panic?

Well that was different . . . . . in the middle of a silly phone call with Timbo, talking about how we used to stay awake all night talking (yes, talking. . . . . . ) when we first got together. . . .and how we were going to do the same thing when we're in Europe. . . . . and I hear a noise in the background, fire alarm sounding, and he says 'I have to go baby', I say 'what's that noise', he says 'something bad. . . . . . . ' and then he's gone. . . . . . .

And so begins the sit by the phone waiting for him to call back . . . . . . .

And then it all becomes very, very real. . . . .

I had just spent a fantastic weekend in my second home, New Zealand, and was getting off the plane - tired, but very very glad to be home. For some reason, being away from our home and our bed, made me miss Tim even more than usual.

And then the phone rings and I hear the voice of my gorgeous fiance telling me that the base has been attacked and it might make the news so he just wanted to let me know he was ok before I saw anything on the news and got scared for his welfare. . .

Coming home and getting onto Sky News and CNN - the first thing I see is a picture of a blood stain on a pavement outside a restaurant on the base. A restaurant Tim has spoken about going to, and somewhere he has stood and taken a photo to send to me.

And thats when I realise - beyond any shadow of a doubt - not only is the love of my life on the other side of the world, he is in a warzone. And his life, and the life we have planned together, is in danger.

Emotional Passage through Deployments according to the ADF

While Away

Emotional Confusion (1-6 weeks after departure).

• Possible Feelings: sense of abandonment, loss, emptiness, pain, disorganisation, intense business.
• Activities: being more busy than usual.
• Reactions: crying, loss of sleep, loss of appetite.

Adjustment (for most of the time away ).

• Possible Feelings: hope, confidence, calm, less anger, loneliness.
• Activities: establishing routine, establishing communications, self growth, and independence.

Expectation of Reunion (6-8 weeks prior to homecoming).

• Possible Feelings: apprehension, excitement, high expectations, worry.
• Activities: planning homecoming, cleaning, dieting.

On the day of departure, whatever you say to each other may seem awkward and not quite right. Afterwards, when you reflect on not seeing each other for a substantial period of time, you may wonder why you couldn't have had a more romantic, more 'right' goodbye. This is completely normal.

For the first day or so after the member leaves, you may feel robotic, just going through the moves, almost as if in shock. Some people want to stay home with no one around. It is common to feel depressed and have no energy. You may wonder if it was easy for the member to leave, especially if they seemed excited about going away.

It is common to feel overwhelmed by all the responsibilities you are facing. There may be a sense of abandonment. As a result, you may feel anger towards your partner, the unit, the Commanding Officer, the military - the whole world. This stage does pass as you find that you can handle the separation, and within a few days or weeks, are beginning to settle into a pattern.

Some tips to help partners cope while Defence members areaway from home:
Be good to yourself - Take time out now and then to do something a little bit selfish - take a long bath, cook a special dish, or hire a babysitter and go out for a night with friends. Don't forget to give yourself credit for dealing with things as well as you have.

Stay healthy and happy - Try to take good care of yourself. Exercise regularly (remember to talk to your doctor before beginning an exercise program), eat right and get enough sleep. Learn how to relax and manage stress. Don't turn to alcohol and other drugs for stress reduction. Remember there is always someone on call at the National Welfare Coordination Centre and the Defence Community Organisation if you want to talk.

Stay positive - It's easy to see the negative side of a family member being away, but seeing the positive side has many more rewards. Find another military spouse who is alone to share activities, thoughts and frustrations with. Spend time with upbeat friends - and try to be positive. Think of separation as a chance to grow.

Stay busy - Time passes much more quickly when you're busy. Try to see separation as a time to learn something new. Maybe you could take those TAFE courses you've always promised yourself. You could learn new job skills or volunteer for a support organisation.

Do something fun and exciting - Spend time each week doing something out of the routine. Go to the movies, the library or to the beach. Try to avoid sitting home feeling sorry for yourself.

S.T.R.U.G.G.L.I.N.G.

So, we are one week and one day into this deployment - and I can't think of any word to describe how I am coping, other than to say by definition, I am not (coping that is). . . .. . .

I am trying to put on a really strong front for Tim and for everyone else around me because I don't want people worrying about me, and I don't want the looks of pity from people - but inside I am absolutely heartbroken. It has to get better though I assume. . . . it can't possibly get any worse.

Happy Good Friday!

So today is one year to the day since Tim and I spent our first real time together. . . it was a couple of weeks after we had met one another, and I invited him around to watch a game of football and hang out. And he pretty much hasn't left since! Until he got on the plane on Tuesday of course.

I know it sounds so cliche - but I cannot believe how much my life has changed in the space of 12 months, and I know it is 100% all down to this one man and the love and joy he has brought to my life. And at the moment, with him having just left. . . . . . the excitement that I am feeling knowing that I have a lifetime with the man of my dreams in front of me is slightly soured by the fact that I have to be apart from him for 245 days.

At the moment I am a bit of a wreck to be honest. . . . .I find myself bursting into tears for no apparent reason through the day, and I havent been able to sleep at all really. I am trying really hard to be strong for Tim - because I know this is just as hard on him as it is on me, harder even. I know once I have adjusted to him being gone I will be fine, will get myself into a routine and just get on with it - I think the issue at the moment is that I dont want to adjust.

When one countdown ends, another begins. . . . . .

So today was the day that we finally had to say goodbye. . . . . .6 months since Tim was told, and told me, that he was going back to Afghanistan. . . . . . . . 6 months of dreading this day. And it was every bit as awful as I had imagined it was going to be!!

To be fair - since he got back from his "training", we have had 3 amazing weeks together - and I think we were both pretty satisfied that we had absolutely made the most of every second we had together before he had to leave. . . . . . . he managed to sneak home most weekends during training, which was a pretty expensive exercise - but 100% worth it. And then we had a beautiful week in far North Queensland - WHERE TIM ASKED ME TO MARRY HIM!! It came as a pretty big surprise - we had talked about getting married a lot, but I didnt expect it to all be set into motion until he was back from this tour - but nonetheless - obviously, I was ecstatic. And I am still spending a LOT of time staring at the gorgeous ring on my finger :)

So after putting my fiance (hehehe) on the plane today - I am actually doing ok. Of course there were tears at the airport - but I have come back home, to our house, and I feel ok. I still wish he wasnt gone, and I wish I was going to see him sooner than August (about 135 days just in case anyone is wondering) - but I know once this trip is over, we have a wedding to plan, a house to buy and the rest of our lives to look forward to. I have enough dreams of our future to get me through the next 8.5 months . . . . . . .

3 Words. . . . . .

I am trying to think of ways to keep Tim in touch with everything that is going on back at home while he is away, and trying to make him feel like he isn't missing out on anything much. So I have decided I am going to make him a CD each week with whatever songs I have been listening to for that week on it. I am by no means a musician - but music does play a big part in my life and I think I express what I am feeling a lot through the music I am listening to. I am one of those people who actually listens to the words of songs and a lot of the songs I love, I love for the words or the story behind them as much as I love them for their melody or their rhythm or whatever.

The music I listen to is always a mix of new and old. From every genre - nix maybe country, but it is (slowly) growing on me. . . . . The CD I have made for Tim for this week is a mix of old and new. My absolute favourites at the moment are Kate Miller Heidtke - a song called Caught in the Crowd, You've got the Love by Florence and the Machine and 3 Words by Cheryl Cole.

I met a guy at the club
I let him know I'm in love

I met a girl at the bar
I let her know who you are

I told her you are a love of my life and
One day you gonna be my wife and
We are gonna have some babie together

I told him you are a man of my dreams
You saved me from drowning in the streams
I know we're really gonna last forever and ever

It was those, 3 words that saved my life
It wasn't complicated
Wasn't pre-meditated
It wasn't under-rated
Boy I'm so glad you stayed and
It was those 3 words saved my life
It wasn't complicated
Wasn't pre-meditated
To you I'm dedicated
Let's go ahead and say it

I love you I love you
You are the love of my life my life
I love you I love you
You are the love of my life my life

You know you're holdin my heart
Can't nothin' tear us apart

You know I'm so in love with you
Can't nothin tear us apart no

I said I L-O-V-E Y-O-U
I'm so into you girl
She said M-E T-O-O
It's obvious I'm so into you boy
So why don't we ( we ) hold ( hold ) on ( on ) for ( to ) love
Through the ups and downs never let go
Holdin' on forever never let go
It all started with 3 words, saved my life
It wasn't complicated
It wasn't complicated
It wasn't complicated
It wasn't complicated
Baby those 3 words saved my life

I love you I love you
You are the love of my life my life
I love you I love you
You are the love of my life my life